random stuff...

A conversation tat happened between me n Megan Fox:
MF: hi handsome, long time no see
me: huh? (look behind.. no1 else) u err.. talkin to me..?!!
MF: nobody else in this room.....yea u..u lean mean *** machine..
me: (once again.. surprised..pleasantly though).. im sorry do i kno u..?
MF: why dint u return my calls? been leavin msgs on ur machine for like EVER!
me: hehe.. ok lady.. i think u got the rong person.
MF: oh.. im yet to "get" you darling..neways.. shooting starts next week for our next movie together..
me: (completely baffled by now, but curious enuf to keep playin this game)..hmm.. ok..
MF: my PA has booked us our regular hotel suites, just as we always do.. at "the grand"..lookin fwd to it.
me: yea.. me too.
MF: have u decided on when i can move in with you? the last time i asked, u said u still had to clear things out to make room for me...
me: (lady.. for u.. im ready to throw everything out!!!!)
MF: whats with the "i dont know you" look??? honey, its me Megan! doesnt THIS ring a bell? (pointin to my name tatooed on her lower back)
me: speaking of bell.. i think i do hear one!!!

(damn i hate my newspaper boy!!!!)

help!

i have long suspected im developing a growing intolerance for stupidity..
and if my current reactions to people of the "i -heart-ignoramus" club are considered..
i think im dangerously close to launching an ICBM, tipped with a nuke, at the next supremely inane question that comes my way.

a random google search on the dumbest questions threw some interesting results(added a few personal ones too):
1.(at the movies)
question:"hi!!! what are u doing here???"....
(lets see.. i was called to clean the floors between the shows???)

2. "free gift with purchases above rs.1000"
 (isnt a gift free anyways..)

3. (at the restaurant)
 question:"is the fish-a-la-provence any good?"...
(hmmm.. not really... the last 2 ppl who ordered it are still battling for their lives at the local hospital)

4.(a phone call at night)..
question:"sorry.. did i disturb you?"..
(NOOOOO... dint u kno.. i now live on the other side of the planet.. its a lovely morning out here!!!)

5.(on being told to meet for a date to watch the sunset)..
question:"ohh.. in the evening??"...
(really??? on my planet.. the sun usually sets at 6 in the morning... )

6.(after a long day at work)..
question:"ohh.. are you feeling tired baby?"
(ure shitting me??? im ready for a bloody trek to the himalayas.. LETS GO!!!)

7. (after reading ur status update on facebook abt ur opinion on a certain movie)
question:" so you went for a movie tday? which movie?"
(good lord..my facebook account has been hacked.. or mebbe im a schizo.. been watching movies WITHOUT me knowing it)

the list: endless...

the victim: hapless!

PLS NOTE: this "rant" is not personal.. its merely a generic observation.

im chasing pirates..

step out, step away from the light.
we go shining our torches down a path..
chasing stars, chasing dreams..
the salt in the air beckons tonight

a talking parrot calls for the the captain
a black patch over the eye
never ending thirst for barrels of sweet ale
mutineers walk the plank or simply slain.

a canon shot to announce a raid
a lookout to shout "land ahoy"...
a black flag with them skull and bones
im ready!..im chasing pirates tonight.

zzz...

life's been hectic the last couple of days. been constantly on the move.
so when i got back from my flight tday, at around 14:00..
it did not surprise me that after stripping myself down to my boxers..i just grabbed a bite, hit the bed.. and slept like a baby!
its now 20:00 and FINALLY i feel like my body has caught up with the present..

here are a couple of fun facts about sleep:

Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.

The record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes during a rocking chair marathon. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses.

A new baby typically results in 400 to 750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first year.

 

Foetus

Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position. 

Log

Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.

Yearner

People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it. 

Soldier

Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards. 

Freefall

Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations. 

Starfish

Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention. 

PS- im a "free-faller"..

1 of those days...

cant help but hum the lines to "fix you" by coldpay...
just 1 of those days..

"when you try your best but you dont succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you cant sleep
stuck in reverse..
...
lights will guide you home..
and ignite your bones (???? always felt this line made no sense!!!)
and i will try to fix you".

the day biji met with an accident..

it all started when biji's wedding was fixed on a very auspicious day..
the poor guy remembered to arrange for everything EXCEPT book the hall for the reception party.
(now thats perfectly understandable...)
as expected, by the time he remembered to book a hall.. he finds most venues already booked..
and after a lot of searching... from "gossip queen" in veera desai rd...
to "Raat rani" in juhu lane...
he finally settled for the grand and AWESOME "Sea princess" in juhu..

now the guy negotiates a killer deal...(After a lot haggling.. and a few hours spent in an undisclosed room in the hotel, with the owners)..
and he takes the booking amount of 50 thousand INR.. and turns up at the hotel to make the booking.

NOW...(begins the real story.. the proverbial twist in the tale.. the building of the climax!!!)...
the mgr on duty.. only accepts 25k..and refuses to take the full booking amount of 50k...(when asked why.. he had this smug look on his face.. looked far away into the distance.. and just gave a big sigh...and all this, while resting his hairy hand on biji's third nipple.)

(interestin sub plot here: suny and sunil were caught by paparazzi sneaking off into the honeymoon suite of "Sea princess" with a couple of drag queens..and as soon as this news is flashed across "aaj tak"...an eunuch in sion killed off what looked like a small kid wearin a turban and a saree and then proceeded to commit suicide..post this piece of breaking news.. suny was seen wailing outside arthur rd jail.. screaming "i miss u jaanu".. )

anyways, coming back to our story... biji is superthrilled abt getting such a bargain.. and refuses to divulge to the rest of us how he managed to do it.

(here the camera pans towards the mumbai skyline.. and "do mahine baad" is visible at the bottom of the screen"

biji gets a call from ajay srivastava, an employee of "Sea princess".
ajay: sir... im sorry.. but ur booking stands cancelled.
biji: WTF??? but.. i did everything gundecha asked me to..!!!
ajay:sorry sir.. i know you did.. but ur booking has been given to some1 else.
biji: WHY???
ajay: tat some1 else not only gave a cheque.. but he also did position no.473 from the "sea princess sex manual"...
biji: damn.. i got tired by the time gundecha reached position no.13!!!! how did tat guy reach 473????
ajay: sorry sir.. "Trade secret" hai.

biji immediately rushed off in his suped up santro...
(here we play a mind blowing ROCK soundtrack.. and show biji pressing this gold button on his dashboard that first deploys a "red bedsheet" at the rear of the car...a blue underwear logo on the bonnet...and finally deploying NOS to speed from 20kph.. to 22.5kph...)

and 10 seconds after this.. he meets with an accident.. in his words..
"engine godh (lap) mein aa gaya boss!!!"

the end.
(credits roll)

this has to be the best..

this is 1 of the best blogs ive come across in recent times..
read n enjoy!
http://www.thevigilidiot.com/

ps-thnx upasna!!!

Life at 20 feet..

nope, you read the altitude right.
this is something tat happened in the FFS in Madrid,Spain.
(FFS=Full Flight Simulator)

The guy who drives the cab from our hotel to the sim, expressed his desire to come inside the sim and witness what happens inside for himself.
So our instructor told him to come abt 5 mins before our session ended and join us inside the sim.
The guy came along..(he doesnt speak a word of english.. only spanish)
sat inside for 5 mins.. looked at everythin in awe.. finally after our exercises.. the instructor asked him if he wanted to fly..
the guy said "Si senor"..

this guy then proceeded to fly a complete visual pattern at 1000 feet, around palma de mallorca, take off.. fly around.. land.
offcourse a qualified pilot was with him to prompt his every action..
at the end, the guy had a silly grin..and kept saying "Gracias".. "very good"...

brings me to suspect once again... are we nothing but "glorified drivers"..??
:))
PS- i shall put up pics of the FFS later.. too lazy to dload them frm my canon right now.

a man wearin a silly red sheet..

everyone keeps looking for heroes..
someone to take away your worries and pain..
life passes by, and we play bystander..
everywhere an enemy,when will he be slain?

maybe the world's full of kryptonite
or maybe only in our optimism does he exist
but we still believe in our superman
even if hes a man wearing a silly red sheet.

who does mumbai belong to?

mumbai.. everyone seems to be fighting for it..
but who does it belong to?

the koli(fishing tribe) community that used to inhabit the 7 islands* that formed mumbai?
(*Bombay Island, Parel, Mazagaon, Mahim, Colaba, Worli, and Old Woman's Island)

the various indigenous dynasties that occupied these islands..like the Satavahanas, Western Kshatrapas, Abhiras, Vakatakas, Kalachuris, Konkan Mauryas, Chalukyas and Rashtrakutas etc etc..?

the sultanate of gujarat/mughal empire during the 15/16th century??
(islamic rulers... hmmm..both "Senas" would conveniently ignore this period)

or subsequently the portuguese/english settlers??
(christian lords.. oh boy.. this gets better by the minute!!!)

facts remain:
1. maharasthrians remain a minority in mumbai (approx 30% of total population)
2. mumbai contributes approx 5% of India's GDP (indian GDP estimated at 1.22 trillion dollars).
in return, BMC mumbai has budget allocation of only 5000 crores for infrastructure.
(BMC traditionally being the stronghold of the "sena"...compared to delhi,infrastructure in mumbai is a JOKE.)
3. if mumbai is called the commercial capital of india, then the business community of mumbai, predominantly gujaratis/marwadis/sindhis/parsis/punjabis/biharis/south indians...are solely responsible for the accounting of over 70% of capital transactions in the indian economy.
4. As per the indian constitution, every indian has the right to reside in any part of the country, engage in any legal form of employment, and enjoy equal rights as a citizen of this country.

Now, to draw a comparison with a very popular hindu god, Krishna...who was more fond of his foster mother than his real mother...

if i were mumbai,

would i belong to the millions of people who made me who i am today?
or
would i belong to those who claim to own me by virtue of my being born in their territory?

i fail to understand why some political parties think the "marathi manoos" needs help to get a job or make a living in mumbai?
if i were a maharastrian, i would be insulted that these parties consider me to be incapable of making it on my own merit!

on the other side, considering the severe budget constraints, i understand that the huge influx of outsiders into mumbai is sending mumbai back to the dark ages.
there is a simple solution, like every other populated city in the world, charge a premium for everything!
residential property prices are already beyond the avg middle class budget..
transport/road tax/electricity/water should also be charged at a premium...
not only will it promote more efficient usage.. but also make living in the city unviable for people who just turn up with nothing to do.

radical solution, yes. but necessary for the survival of mumbai.